THE AFTERMATH OF AN AFFAIR!
Do you know what you really want?
Whether you’re the cheated or the cheating partner you have to be totally honest with yourself and your partner and decide whether you really want to stay in the relationship,
irrespective of whether your partner does.
Sometimes the easiest course of action in the short term is not the best one in the medium or long term. That’s why you really need to be honest. If you choose the easy option now you may just be putting off the difficult one.
If it’s just a case that you don’t know yet what you want, then that’s perfectly natural. You’re still in a state of confusion and need more time. But if you do know, then be brave enough
to take the appropriate action.
Whatever your situation, you need to be prepared to go into a new relationship. You’ve probably heard the saying ‘if you keep doing the same old things you’re going to continue getting the same old results’. So whether you stay with your current partner or leave them and eventually find a new one, you need to treat either as a new relationship.
If it’s a new relationship with a different partner you need to make sure you don’t take the mistakes of your last one with you.
And if you and your current partner want to move forward together by repairing and strengthening your relationship then things of course need to be different. So where do you start?
If you’re the cheating partner you’ll need to:
1. Be prepared to continually put yourself in your partner’s shoes and ask yourself how you would be feeling in their situation. Do everything you can to understand what they
might be going through or thinking. Just to take one example, if they’re watching the TV or a film and there’s an intimate moment with a couple, consider that they might be imagining that
to be you and the person you had the affair with. That sort of thing will happen all the time particularly, early on.
2. In situations like the example above you should always empathise with your partner, be understanding and supportive. And always stay calm and non confrontational.
3. Expect your partner to be more possessive, especially early on.
4. Be patient.
5. Do all you can to earn your partner’s trust back. This includes avoiding putting yourself in a position or place where they might feel vulnerable.
6. Show that you’ve learnt from your mistakes (and be prepared to tell your partner what you’ve learnt).
7. Give your partner as much certainty as you can (this is particularly relevant if you partner is female, as women need loads of certainty all the time anyway).
8. Accept that there will be times when your partner is having ‘one of those days’, however much progress you’ve made together and however far down the line you are. That’s when
you’ll need to be even more patient, understanding and supportive!
If you’re the cheated partner you’ll need to:
1. Avoid getting confrontational as much as you can. For example, if you want to ask questions about the affair, wait until you’re in a calm space.
2. Recognise that you’ve got to handle the anger and feelings of betrayal.
3. Be prepared to forgive.
4. Be prepared to trust again.
Of course all of the above is going to be difficult and will take determination and commitment from you both.
So together, as a couple you’ll need to:
1. Start talking to each other positively. I have to stress how important communication is. In my opinion this is the fundamental element that has to be right in any relationship and it’s so often the one that gives the biggest challenges.
Together you’ll need to
* bring everything out into the open
* understand how and why the emotional disconnection
between you happened
* evaluate and understand what caused the affair
2. Focus on the good parts of your relationship
3. Be prepared to be honest, open and take the necessary
steps to rebuild the friendship and trust
4. Both of you need to commit to working together to deal
with all the issues
5. Reset your boundaries
Hope that helps! Share everything, from the smallest problem to the biggest issues. Everything must be brought out into the open. And be prepared to continually work on your relationship. Know you will have challenging days as well!
Of course everyone is different, circumstances vary and not
everything I have said will apply to you. There’s quite possibly things I have said that you’ve found hard to take onboard or you simply don’t agree with. That’s fine,
just use the tips that are relevant and you think you will benefit from.
Know if you require more help then please get in touch at www.christinayoung.co.uk
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